FOUR COMRADES, ONE ECHO
From Non-fiction To Fiction
From Cinema To Theater
From Collectivity Back To Individuality
FROM COLLECTIVITY BACK TO INDIVIDUALITY
What exactly is the relationship between their individuality and their collectivity? Should I begin with who they are individually, before thinking of them as a collective?
I conducted an editing experiment by introducing them one by one, then two of them, then three, and finally all four:
( 14 mins 47 seconds )
Is it possible to explore their individual voices while still recognizing each one as a part of a larger whole? Can their expressions not only coexist, but also speak to and shape each other?
Even when the camera isn’t rolling, their lives go on. Could filmmaking be less about capturing them, and more about unlocking a door they might choose to walk through, to speak, to create?
Can my role, which was once daughter to mothers, director to performers, evolve into something else entirely? Someone who notices their rare gifts, collects what they create, and listens closely to what they choose to share?
Can our storytelling extend beyond the frame and the medium and become part of how we live?
Can our storytelling continue in a non-lineage way?
So I started sending out small invitations for creativity, that might help them to express or create something on their own. They could take them or refuse them.
Over time, through conversation and experimentation, we began to find ways for them to speak, as themselves. I started receiving their “works” one after another:
Liu Li’s DreamsIn the filmmaking process, I invited my mothers to share their dreams with me. One of them, Liu Li, who has long struggled with insomnia, accepted the invitation and, on some mornings, sent me voice recordings as she tried to recall her dreams just after waking. So far, I’ve received nearly 200 of these recordings. For me, they are poems.
Translated by Angus Shen
梦 30
昨天晚上做梦，梦到好像是他在上海市区上班。我没上班，我去休假。就像原来在宝鸡的时候一样。旁边就是大酒店，大酒店的厅里头好多人玩一种游戏。不晓得是啥子游戏，反正一些人在那儿耍得不亦乐乎，开心得不得了。我又想加入呢，又加入不进去，因为看不懂。然后游戏结束以后，他们又就在旁边的大餐厅里头，很高级的餐厅，往那里一坐，吸管，通过一根蔬菜，装了熟菜又装了啥子饮料的汁，反正很高级，坐到那里一席吃，好多人全部都是在那里那么吃。我根本就不晓得是啷么子吃，傻得不得了，然后就不懂，又想加入，又加入不进去。
Dream 30
Last night I dreamed that he was working downtown in Shanghai. I wasn’t working. I was onvacation. Just like back in Baoji. Right next door was this big hotel, and in one of the hotel halls, loads of people were playing this game. No clue what the game was, but they were having a blast, laughing, carrying on, couldn’t be happier. I really did want to join too, but I just couldn’t get in. Didn’t understand the rules. When the game ended they all went to this fancy dining hall. Real fancy stuff. They sat down, and there were these straws-like vegetables, with cooked food and some
juice or sauce or who-knows-what going through them. Everybody just sat there eating like that, real fancy. I had no idea how they were doing it. Just sat there dumb as a rock. I really did want to join too, but I just couldn’t get in.
梦33
昨天晚上做的梦稀奇古怪得很，我是穿礼服，站得高高的，就像是很有地位的人，最后被一个女的来撬了我的位置。 哎呀，我想撬我就撬了，我也不稀奇，就让她去扮这个人。 我就跑到一个池子的旁边去看人家。 坐到池子里头，就是那种很稠的奶茶，巧克力奶茶，那些人男的女的坐到里头，随便喝随便吃，我没得资格的，就看到别个。然后还可以吃里头的鞋子，都做得精致得很。 那些鞋子些，全是小娃儿的鞋子。 哎，我就看到有有一双黑的小皮鞋，漂亮得很，是可以吃的。 我就喊别个给我拿一个给我吃。 哎呀，吃了两口，哎呀，不行，吃了恶心得很，就是那种橡胶味道，但是很软，能够咬下来。 哎呀，紧到都觉得恶心恶心恶心。后来碰到我们学校那会儿在宝鸡那边又是，那个叫春儿的人，她怀孕了，要生娃儿了，好多小鞋子，我就摸了一双最漂亮的，我就塞跟她，她说的，哎呀，不好不好，不怕人家看到了，我说没得关系啊，就塞到她的包包里头了。啷么子好像又是在济南那儿，年轻人对我都还是很尊重的。有两个女的，她们就说是去洗澡，哎呀，职工福利待遇差得很，洗个澡要排队。好不容易排到了，还洗不热和，又来挨到我坐到。坐到又不陪我，这样那样，这样那样的。 后来啷么子又有一个老头， 今年都是有资格在里头去耍，耍了走了穿换衣服走了以后，可以拿一个羽毛球拍子。 我就把一个老头拉着，我说你拿一副回去给你儿子用嘛。 那个服务员就说人家不想要，你鼓捣人家要啥子嘛。 那个老头后来拿了一副，就走了。
Dream 33
Last night’s dream was so weird. I was wearing a formal gown, standing tall like someone real high up. Then this woman came along and just straight-up replaced me. I was like, Fine, you want it? Take it. I’m not pressed. Let her play that part.I wandered off to this pool to people-watch.
The pool was full of milk tea, thick, chocolate milk tea. Boys, girls, everyone was sitting in it, drinking and eating. Iwasn’t allowed in. I stood there watching. There were edible shoes too.
Beautiful little things. All kids’ shoes. I saw this pair of tiny black leather shoes, so pretty, and edible too. I asked someone to grab one for me. I took two bites. Ugh, couldn’t do it. Made me sick to my stomach. This rubbery smell. Soft enough to chew, but the taste was just gross. I kept gagging. Then somehow I was back in school in Baoji. I ran into Chun’er. She was pregnant, about to have a baby. So many little shoes around. I picked the nicest pair and shoved it into her hands.
She’s like, No no, don’t. What if someone sees? I said Who cares and stuffed them into her purse. Then, I didn’t know how, but suddenly, I was in Jinan. Young folks there still treated me with respect. Two girls came by, saying they were off to bathe. Employee welfare was bad. We had to line up and wait forever. When it was finally our turn, the water was barely warm. They came to sit next to me but didn’t keep me company, just fussing about this and that. Later on, there was this old guy. He’d already been in, entitled and all that. After he finished and changed, he got to take a badminton racket home. So I tugged on his sleeve and asked him to take one home for his son. Then the staff girl butted in, He don’t even want it, why’re you forcing it on him? The old man picked one up and headed off with it anyway.
梦35
昨天晚上做梦，梦到宣传是说是红色圣诞节，圣诞节啷么成了我们国家的红色节日？哎。 问同学小董的妹妹，说她做了好多好多那个这个宣传类的东西。 就是呃，全部弄成画展那种形式，然后喊我去借来讲解，哎呀，多得不得了，一个包包都装不下，怎么又要到单位去讲啊，离单位远得很。 啷么个小双又借她的车子给我，我就骑她的车子去。 哎呀，乱七八糟！
Dream 35
Last night I had a dream. Something about a “Red Christmas.” Like… huh? When did Christmas become a kind of red holiday in our country? I asked classmate Dong’s little sister. She said she’d made tons and tons of stuff for it, all kinds of promo material. Turned the whole thing into an art exhibition, that kind of setup. Then she asked me to go borrow and present them to folks. Ay, it was so much. One bag couldn’t even hold it all. And I was supposed to take it to the office to present, but the office was so far away. Then somehow my twin sister lent me her bike. So I took her bike and rode off on it. Aiya, the whole thing was so strange.
梦47
昨天晚上一直说梦到一群女人去逛商场哦，哎呀，又买那些肉色的，花裙子，各式各样的衣服，大家都要来试穿。 然后长着拖地，要穿高跟鞋。 哎呀，又是八九十年代那些款那些式。 穿到身上个个都觉得还好看。这个人就是， 哎呀，从众心理，大家都那么穿，好像就漂亮，觉得又行了。哎，我记得， 男女又混杂在一起住，都不脱衣服的。 笑人得很。 啷么，嗯， 也没得人说的，也不觉得奇怪。你说做些啥子梦硬是。
Dream 47
Last night I dreamt it was a whole group of women going shopping. Aiya, we were all buying those skin-toned, floral dresses, all kinds of clothes, trying them on left and right. Some were long and dragged on the floor and we had to wear high heels. All in 80s or 90s styles. Once we put them on, everyone thought they looked good. You know, conformity. If everyone’s wearing it, suddenly it seems fashionable, seems okay. Then, as I remembered, men and women were all living together. Everyone had their clothes on all the time. It was funny, ridiculous even. But no one said anything. No one thought it was weird. What kind of dream even is that?
梦50
昨天晚上做了一个梦，赶紧记下来。一会儿，再闷一会儿也就想不起来了。咋梦到了一个大家庭。几姨太，几姨太，然后娃儿这些也多的很。就发生暴乱了。有的人就背叛了，有的人喃又出走了。然后我的娘娘喃，不晓得藏到哪里在，我一直都不晓得藏到哪里在。后来家庭弄得四分五裂的时候，还有好多小娃儿，那么小娃儿，又给他吃哦，给他喂一种啥子药，就可以让他平安度过。 然后呢，我又去找娘娘，找我的娘娘。大姨他们都晓得她在哪里，就我不晓得在哪里，她们就喊“你去找嘛，你找得到的”。然后我就骑着自行车去找。是小妹给我的自行车。 后来姐姐又怕我找不到，又追起来了，我就骑自行车。啷么可能是都藏着尹姐姐的老家那个上西街那个家里头在，好像是。 然后喃，慢慢的，那些不是反叛的人，都啥子二姨太三姨太的，有一些人就正儿八经的，就出现了，还有啥子，呃，亲戚反正就都出来了。 这是好的人。到底就找到我的娘娘没就不晓得了，反正就梦到我骑车子去找，然后大姐姐，就是我的姐姐，就跑来跟到我来一起来找来了。
Dream 50
Had a dream last night. I had to jot it down quickly. A few more minutes of sleep and I’d probably forget it. Somehow I dreamed of this big family. A bunch of concubines, and loads of kids too. Then suddenly a riot broke out. Some people turned traitor, some ran off. And my mother, I had no idea where she went. No clue where she was hiding. When the family was falling apart, all scattered, there were still so many little kids. And someone was feeding them something, some medicine, so that they could make it through safely. Then I started searching for my mother again. My oldest aunt and others all knew where she was. Only I didn’t know. They said, Go on, go look for her. You’ll find her. So I took off on a bicycle. My young sister gave me the bike. But then my big sister got worried I wouldn’t make it, so she chased after me, caught up to come along. I rode and rode. Seemed like maybe she was hiding at sister Yin’s old place, the one on Shangxi Street. Maybe. Then slowly, the ones who hadn’t rebelled, like the second or third concubines, started to show up, properly, one by one. Relatives, too, all came out. These were the good ones. Not sure whether I found my mother in the end. I just remember riding the bike to look and my sister running to go with me.
梦59
昨天晚上的梦有点恐怖。怎么是杀了人，然后要取他这里的肉，拿来的肉来做啥子。来取肉的时候有点害怕，然后又不得不坚持，然后又还是坚持不下去，又去找人来。 哎呀，真的不晓得啷么做个这个梦。后来又一做梦梦到我自己啷么子怀孕，怀孕了。 要都要生了，他都不管我。 哎呀，搞不清楚啥子原因。 哎呀，反正我怀孕的时候，确实那会儿这个屁娃，不管我，气得我恼火。 这个痕迹还在心头。
Dream 59
Last night’s dream was a little scary. Somehow, I’d killed someone and had to take some meat from their body. No idea what the meat was for. When it came time to cut it, I got scared. I tried to soldier through, but couldn’t. Then I went off looking for someone to help. Aiya, don’t even know why I’d dream something like that. Then right after, I dreamed I was pregnant. I was about to give birth, but he didn’t care at all. Aiya, I don’t even know why. In fact, when I was pregnant back then, that dumbass didn’t take care of me either. It made me so mad. I guess that feeling’s still stuck in my chest.
梦62
梦到我的脚摔伤了，骨折了以后，杵个拐棍儿要去上厕所，哎呀，厕所人多得不得了，进去一趟，进不去，人多。 越等人越多，越等人越多，哎呀，就在说还是要到发达国家去，这个国家太穷了，厕所都不够用。 就这一晚上。啷么又梦到川川，他回来说，要换啥子东西哦， 也是人多得很，换个东西都换不到呃。 晓得换的啥子？杯子啊，是换个杯子啊是啥子，他没得办法用，只有拿给我。诶， 就记到这点。
Dream 62
I dreamed I hurt my foot and fractured my bones. I had to hobble around on crutches to go to the bathroom. Aiya, the bathroom was packed. So many people! I tried to get in, but I couldn’t. The more I waited, the more people showed up. Just more and more. I was saying to myself, Really oughta go to a developed country. The place’s too poor. Even bathrooms aren’t enough. That was the whole night. Then somehow I dreamed of my son. He came back and said he wanted to exchange some item. But it was crowded again. Just trying to exchange something, and still couldn’t manage it. What was it? A cup? He said he couldn’t use it. He had no choice but to give it to me. Yeah… that’s all I remember.
梦67
昨天晚上做梦，梦到头发掉了，掉了好多头发，只剩很少的头发了，稀疏得不得了，唉，还爱把头发这么编那么编，自己看不到，人家看得到也不说。后来我自己看到我脑壳，看得到后头了，笑人得，这下啷么办，不能再编了。烫也没得办法烫，太少了头发。后来大家都在织毛衣，毛线绒得不得了，都好得很。那会在上学，说是别个班的同学在卖，我又跑起去买，人家又说的你不要去买他的，他的贵得很，而且乱涨价，然后没有买。看到人家穿毛线裤子，穿半截毛线裤子。又梦到啷么川川在睡觉的时候，被子短得很，老打被子盖不到，脚一会又蹬出来蹬出来了。很少梦到他，现在经常梦到他，几十年，三十多年都还在梦到他。梦到是哪个又在他身上弄些啥子，还贴些塑料纸这些，哎呀。
Dream 67
Last night, I dreamed that all my hair was falling out. Fell out in clumps. Barely had any left.
So thin. But I still kept trying to braid it this way and that. I couldn’t see the back of my head. Others could, but no one said a thing. Later I caught a glimpse in the mirror. Saw the back of my scalp. Aiya, I looked hideous. What now? Couldn’t braid it anymore. Couldn’t even perm it. There was just not enough left. Then everyone was knitting sweaters.The yarn was fluffy and really nice. We were in school. Someone from another class was selling. I ran over, but peopletold me, Don’t buy from them. They charge too much. Keeps raising prices for no reason. So I didn’t buy anything. I saw people wearing wool pants. Half-knit wool pants. Then I dreamed of my son. He was sleeping, and the quilt was too short. He kept kicking it off and couldn’t stay covered. His Feet poking out again and again. In the past, I rarely dreamed about him. But nowadays he shows up all the time. It’s been thirty-some years, and I still dream of him. I dreamed someone was messing with his body, sticking things on him, plastic sheets, that sort of stuff. Aiya.
梦70
昨天晚上又做同样的梦，是一个很大型的商场。这个商场两边都有路。又在那里发愁，找不到回单位的路。商场，经常梦到这个结构。然后啷么又做梦，梦到又是在资阳，又找不到回资阳的路。在商场里头看，人家在那里坐到休息，我也坐到休息一会，后来人家都走了，我不晓得往哪里走。后来又跟到人群，啷么又听哪个说的，哪个商场有啥子东西，然后我就推到车子，就像超市那种车子样，就转，我说我这围到城转一圈，我总找得到。围到那个城也是以前小时候那个城，就那么小一点。啷们又在商场，又梦到商场的出口也是可以游泳的，好多人是穿着鞋子在里头游游游，闷水闷很长时间，又啷们过得去了，晓得啷们又过去了，就做这些乱七八糟的。
Dream 70
Last night I had the same dream again. About this big shopping mall. It had roads on both sides. And I was there worrying, trying to find the way back to the office. This mall structure. I dream about it all the time. Always this kind of layout. Then somehow I was back in Ziyang. But again, couldn’t find the way home. In the mall, I saw people sitting down to rest. So I sat down too, just for a bit. Then they all got up and left, and I still didn’t know where to go. Later I followed the crowd. Someone was saying that another mall had something. So I started pushing one of those carts from a supermarket. I told myself, If I circle the city once, I’ll figure it out. The city was just that tiny one from when I was little. So small, just like back then. Then somehow we were back inside the mall. And apparently one of the exits was a swimming area. Lots of people were swimming, still wearing shoes, just swimming right through. holding their breath for a long time. And somehow, we made it through. Don’t even know how. Just one of those messy, tangled-up dreams again.
梦138
做梦，梦得很浪漫的，好像是一帮同学过生日。同学里面既有同学，又有后来健身的朋友，有个叫施胖子的，她已经在我的梦里不止出现一次了，她是一个失独者，但是她的生活挺浪漫。其实她和她老公关系一般，但是昨天在梦里好像她跟她老公浪漫得不得了。她过生日。昨天是我们都在，又有男同学，好像是初中的男同学，专门为同学们的生日在牵线搭桥的，跟大家一起聚，然后给比如说某个过生日的同学买礼物。我是被动的。就找到我，我是从来不想跟他们不想过这些生日，不想参与这些事情的。结果同学找到我了，我也逼到说是施胖子过生日，给她出了一个份子钱。然后给她过生日，在隔壁就我们几个人还有什么，好几个名字想不起来了，然后大家去上了个厕所回来，就又到隔壁，说他们还有一帮过生日的同学在隔壁，然后隔壁就有施胖子，郑新荣这些。隔壁上去以后哦，是一个船，船是欧式的，里头布置得非常豪华，外头也非常好看，是一个人字形的顶棚，像一只船一样，这个顶棚非常高，有点像教堂的那种顶棚，外头也非常富丽堂皇的，那种深黄色的那种像绸缎，也不像绸缎，反正闪闪发亮的那些东西，也有褶皱，做的人字形顶棚，然后外头是深红色的，镶的金边。像船，但是很窄很高，属于这种高窄型的长长的，然后里头很舒适，都坐到里头在。啷么有一个呢说她家头的做的一只鞋，这个鞋子是皮子的，做得好漂亮。鞋面是一朵花，然后还有不停的那种几何图形，皮子拉起的，然后后跟是满的，前面脚背都是那些拉花，是浅粉色的皮子，然后上面用黄颜色的线缝的。哎哟，他们跟我说这个鞋底全都是手工搓出来的，确实非常漂亮，但是在前掌的小指头那里又非常粗糙。这双鞋说是她儿子的生日礼物，啷么子儿子都成人了，这只鞋又像很女性化，又我都能够穿得进去。我说你这只鞋到底做给哪个？人家就说象征性的，就一只，都还没做完。然后施胖子来说，她老公要一个钱包，要几层几层的钱包，她就在用，是手工，用毛线在织。我说现在哪个还用你的钱包，都不用钱了，她说的拿出来也很气派啥子啥子的。昨天晚上还参加了一个这种派对，就是说男生是哪个来组织，就是在这里牵线搭桥的。比如说是叫李五一的，他实际上是我大学的同学，大学班上的党支部书记。说他在牵线搭桥。然后他也还不好意思见女生，还非要去见女生的时候，非要把其他人拉到。昨天晚上还做的都是浪漫得很的梦。
Dream 138
Had a dream last night, kinda romantic. A bunch of classmates gathered for someone’s birthday.
There were old classmates and people I met later at the gym. One of them, Shi Pangzi, had appeared in my dreams more than once. She lost her only child, but somehow her life still feels romantic.
In real life, her marriage is just fine, but in the dream, she and her husband were all sweet and loving. It was her birthday. We were all there. My classmates too. They looked like junior high classmates. They organized things and pulled people together for birthdays. Like buying gifts for whoever’s birthday it was. I wasn’t planning to join at all. I never wanted to be part of that kind of stuff. But somehow, they found me anyway. It was Shi Pangzi’s birthday. I ended up chipping in for the gift. So we were celebrating. Just a few of us, I can’t remember all the names. We all went to the bathroom together, and when we came back they said: There’s another group celebrating right next door. I went over, and Shi Pangzi and Zheng Xinrong were there too. The room next door was like a boat. European style. Inside, it was decked out. It was beautiful outside too. The ceiling rose like a triangle, like a church. It was made of deep gold fabric, shimmery, pleated, glowing. Outside it was dark red, trimmed with gold. High, narrow, pointed like the hull of a ship. Everything looked so grand and elegant. We all sat inside and it was cozy. Someone started talking about this homemade shoe. It was leather and it was beautiful. The upper was shaped like a flower, with all these stitched geometric patterns, pulled tight in leather. The heel was closed, the top of the foot all layered with pale pink leather, sewn through with yellow thread. They told me the whole sole was hand-rubbed, handmade. It really was pretty. But right under the little toe, at the ball of the foot, it was rough, uneven. She said it was a birthday gift for her son. But the son’s already grown up. And the shoe looked feminine. Like something I could wear. I asked Who’s this even made for? They said It’s symbolic. Just one shoe. Not finished yet. Then Shi Pangzi said her husband wanted a wallet.
He wanted one with layers and layers. She was knitting it by hand, with yarn. I said Who even uses wallets anymore? She said It still looks impressive when you take it out. Later we were at another one of those parties. The guys organized it again. One of them was named Li Wuyi, in real life, he was my classmate from university, our Party branch secretary.They said he was playing matchmaker too. But he was shy around girls. Whenever he had to meet one he’d pull someone else along. Last night all dreams were so romantic.
梦149
做梦梦到啷么是老师带着我们，到底是哪个阶段我都忘了，然后啷么又是说一条路，是对到我们下乡去的那条路。但是又不是得。说重新开辟一条路出来。这条路要出去的话，要爬一个陡坡，爬上去，然后才出去得到。然后就排起大队走，走到一个村落的时候，大家都在那里歇到。这个村落呢，好像是福建那边了，离海很近，他们的房子拿石头砌的，砌得非常漂亮。窗户外头还用石头砌的船，还有锚，就像他们一道景观一样，就在他们的窗户外头，重新砌的起一个台阶出来，窗子都没得的。没得窗子的。窗子外头的景观就是一个船，一个船上还那些比较小型的，还有锚吊到上面非常好看，还有浪。然后大家都是原地休息的，我就去转去了，再往前头走，那些房子就修得撇得很，就是贫民住了，屁儿都不得了，滴滴儿薄的石头垒起来的，风吹都在动，我说这么简陋，他们敢住在里头，不怕垮啊，还十年几十年的在那里头住了。家具这些也非常简陋，我就光去那么子转去看去了，等我走回来一帮人个都没得了。当地的一个人就跟我说，你们老师和同学都走了，他们说的天黑之前再回来，我说那不回来了啷么办，我就又想摸出手机来说给他们打手机。这个手机我用都不会用。而且好几次梦到这种情况。就是我虽然有手机，但是不会使用。
Dream 149
Dreamed last night that the teacher was leading us somewhere. Can’t remember what stage of school it was exactly. There was talk about a road, supposedly the same one we used to take when we went down to the countryside. It wasn’t quite the same. They said a new road had been opened up. To get out, we had to climb a steep slope first. All the way up, then you could get through. Everyone lined up in a long line, walking. We reached this village and stopped there to rest. Felt like we were in Fujian, close to the sea. The houses were all made of stone and beautifully built.
Outside the windows, they’d even used stone to build little boats, with anchors hanging down.
It looked like part of the scenery, part of the house. They’d built a little stone platform outside the window, but there weren’t any windows. No windows, just the view: a boat sitting there, small and carved, an anchor hanging, waves rolling. It was beautiful. Everyone was resting, but I wandered off and kept walking further in. The farther I went, the houses started to fall apart. Run-down, poor people’s homes. Just thin little walls of stacked-up stone. Even the wind could knock them over.
How do they dare live in there? Not afraid it’ll collapse? But they’d been living like that for ten, twenty, thirty years. The furniture was simple too. Barely anything. I just kept walking around looking, and when I turned back everyone was gone. One of the locals told me Your teacher and classmates already left. They said to come back before dark. And I thought, What if I don’t make it back? So I pulled out my phone and wanted to call them. But I didn’t know how to use it. And it’s not the first time. I’ve dreamed this many times: I have a phone, but I don’t know how to use it.
Dream Recordings:
She often mentioned, almost in passing, that she had a talent for photography. I never really listened before until I left a camera at home and she quietly began to take photos.
Liu Yazhuo’s Refusual
I also began writing my own essays, weaving together stories about “girls,” “mothers,” and “women.” Within these stories, there are their voices, mine, and the imagined lives of other women.
One of the essays I have been working on:
在幼儿园的时候，她觉得午后最难熬。强制午觉的时间到了，老师沿着走廊来回巡视，一串钥匙在他的裤子前晃动。不认真睡觉，会被叫到走廊去罚站。但她越紧张，就越睡不着。钥匙的声音靠近后脑勺的时候，她会感到头皮发麻。
有一天，一个年轻的女老师来代班。她让大家趴在课桌上午睡。那是一个起风的初夏，教室的窗户开着，不知道怎么的，她趴在课桌上一下子就睡着了。等她醒来的时候，发现自己竟然长了跟老师一样的红指甲，她不敢相信自己的眼睛。她抬起头，确认自己手臂发麻，木头的书桌上，是她呼吸出来的密密麻麻的水珠。她的脸庞通红，额头上还有深深的睡痕。
原来，在她睡着的时候，老师用花园里的“指甲花（凤仙花）”把她的指甲涂红。她让阳光穿过手指，好像这样就能把红色永远留在上面。
在她73岁的时候，她忽然被问起，童年最难过和最开心的记忆分别是什么。她只想起了这个关于红色的初夏午后，往前和往后的，更伤心的和更难过的，都统统忘记了。
In kindergarten, the hardest part of the day was the lull after lunch. Nap time was mandatory. The teacher would patrol the hall, the jingle of keys swinging against his pants a steady warning. If you failed to sleep, you would be sent to stand in the hallway. But the more anxious she became, the harder it was to close her eyes. When the sound of keys hovered near the back of her head, her scalp tingled.
One day, a young female teacher came in to substitute.
She let them rest with their heads down on their desks. It was early summer. The windows were open, warm breeze moving through the room. Somehow, that day, she fell asleep almost instantly.
When she woke up, she saw something impossible—her nails were red, just like the teacher’s. She lifted her head, her arm tingling with numbness. The wooden desk beneath her was covered in a fine layer of condensation—tiny beads of moisture from her own breath. Her face was flushed, and a deep crease ran across her forehead from where it had pressed against the desk.
While she had slept, the teacher had used zhǐjiǎhuā—balsam flowers from the garden—to stain her nails. She held her hands up to the sunlight, as if doing so might make the color last forever.
It was the summer of her seventy-third year when she was asked to recall her happiest and saddest childhood memories.She thought of that afternoon in early summer, red fingernails against the light. Everything before and after—the sorrow, the pain—had faded away.
We are all constantly seeking ways to express our individuality, yet we remain, inevitably, part of a collective.
The French writer Annie Ernaux once wrote about the concept of the palimpsest. In textual studies, a palimpsest is a manuscript page, once inscribed, then scraped or washed clean for reuse. Yet traces of the old text remain. The past and the present meet, coexist, and reshape each other.
To me, this idea resonates with feminist literary criticism, with its embrace of multiplicity, fragmentation, and the act of rereading. The palimpsest suggests that texts, like identities, experiences, memories, histories, are never fixed, but always being rewritten and reinterpreted.
This idea has guided me through this process too. Our bodies are not only archives. They are palimpsests, of the imposed and the erased, of what can be reread and rewritten. Our stories are fragmented, fluid, yet held together.
Togethers, my mothers’ voices became one echo, and there are echoes of the echo following. My voices is one of them.
More at: